Warmth and transitions

Ah, June is here and we have finally had some weather that is over 60 degrees! What a gorgeous weekend it was. We played with friends at the Lynden Farm Day's parade, did some work in the garden, I got to go on a bike ride with the ladies, we swung in the hammock, read our books in the sun, and then yesterday got out the pool! I tried to fill it up with water during nap time to warm it up, but someone didn't end up taking a nap, so it was still a little chilly.

Corbin was SO excited. He has been asking about the pool for months. Every time I would say it was a nice day out, he would ask if it was nice to go swimming. 60 degrees is nice but not really swimming weather buddy.

He wanted Eliza to come swimming so badly when she got up from her nap.

Come on in Ellie, the water's great, I mean cold!

Ok, Corbin. I am coming in.

I wish it was this easy to get in the bath...

Ha, yay, this is fun! But cold!

A little too cold, I am getting out... help me mom!

Look, Ellie, do what I do. "Looka dis" is Corbin's new phrase. And then he will do a funny little dance or jump or something he thinks is funny or tricky.

Corbin has been super into being funny lately. He and Adam have come up with some funny "personal" jokes about things like "Fleas with monkey knees". Corbin will say, "hey guess what daddy... fleas with monkey knees!" We are trying to teach him to tell a story and then just throw that in and people will think it's more funny!

In other news, Eliza has stopped nursing. She will be 11 months on the 12th. Last Friday we had play group here and it was a little noisy. So when she woke up from her nap, she wouldn't nurse. Then she nursed going down for afternoon nap and that is the last time she has nursed. I tried to offer it to her at every regular feeding after that but she would just scream. It just broke my heart. At first I wondered if something was wrong but she seems fine the rest of the day. But when it comes to nursing time, I would try to offer it and she just refuses. We are on day 4 of not nursing.

I was/am feeling very conflicted about it. Both my kids have been busy active non-snugglers. This is our only true snuggle time. Although Corbin does like to snuggle these days. Eliza has been a distracted nurser from the beginning. She is also fiercely independent (except in new situations and with new people-especially males). She want to be seeing what is going on, down on the floor, doing it by herself. She knows what she wants and is not afraid to let you know. So I should not really be surprised that she is done early.

I know that you can't control your child's eating. But I had a plan and it is sad to let it go. I am also sad/feel bad because I feel very strongly about nursing for the first year. Part of why I wanted to stay home with both my kids for their first year is to be able to nurse them the whole time. Then slowly drop feedings when I go back to work and then see how we are doing in the fall. That is what I did with Corbin. I thought that would be my plan with Eliza. I know that her not nursing is not a reflection on me being a bad parent but for some reason to be completely honest I feel like I am doing something wrong. I know it's not true but that feeling is there.

The bond from nursing is so great. Just looking down at your baby and seeing them nurse and get the best nourishment they could ever have is such an amazing feeling. These last few nights have been really hard because she won't really take a bottle or a cup of the milk I have pumped. It has changed that night time routine. It has left me feeling bad about how we say good night. I know it won't always be that way and that this is just a rough transition but it still hurts. Last night I brought a sippy cup up with me and she just wouldn't take it. She hardly drank any milk at all yesterday. I kept offering her the breast and she would just refuse. So I put her down crying last night. She fussed and cried for a long time. Even though we have done "cry it out" this felt different. So I pumped and went back up and brought her fresh, warm milk in a bottle. I just sat with her and rocked her. I kept the bottle right near my breast and didn't push her to drink it but just rocked. Finally I squeezed some out of the nipple and she took the bottle. She just drank it all up. Her eyes got sleepy like when we were nursing. She drank it so fast that I felt the need to burp her. Of course she spit up all over me and the chair but she was so sleepy that she hardly noticed. She went right to sleep after that. It felt good. I came to peace with her being done. Or at least I am trying to.

I am also conflicted as to what to do between now and 12 months. I called the doctor and they really don't recommend cow's milk until a year. We could try formula but she said most breast fed babies won't take it. But they need the nutrition from either breast milk or formula. We can try goat milk, soy milk, coconut milk, or pumped breast milk. I have been trying to pump but I only have a hand pump. It's very tiring and I am already slowing down. I could borrow a pump from someone but I just don't know if I can realistically pump 2+ times a day. And then we leave for NC in a couple of weeks. So right now I am just trying to pump 2 times a day for the rest of this week and see if I can get her to take more from the bottle before I switch to to something else. In reality, after 12 months I was going to drop the other 2-3 feedings by mid-August anyways before I head back to work 2 days in the fall. So some of the feedings are only being dropped a month early.

Of course the up-side of all this is that I have a new found freedom without being attached at the breast. I got to go an a long bike ride on Sunday with my girl friends and didn't have to worry about nursing her. Adam can now put her down to sleep. I could do an over-night girls weekend this summer or go away with Adam. I don't have to time nursings and getting out the door for Corbin's activities. No more plugged ducts!

I nursed her for almost 11 months. That is the best thing I could offer her. It is what she decided she needed. I nursed Corbin for 17 months. It's just sad to say good bye. No more nursing babies for me. This is the end of that chapter. Onto the next...Oh how I love these two little beings SO MUCH! xoxoxo