Adam and I recently took a two day class at Bellingham Tech School from one of my favorite parenting educators, called Positive Discipline. It's based on the book Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson. I have taken many parent/child classes with BTC since Corbin was 8 weeks old. It's been one of the places I have met such awesome mamas and babies. We have recently just finished our last Two's class with Corbin (they end at age 3) and are gearing up to take the Sibling's class. We recently read the book PD in my mom's book group. I wanted Adam to take this class with me as I do most of the reading and taking classes and wanted him to hear it from someone else so we could talk about it and have a more purposeful parenting discussion. Our friends Aimee and Eric also took the class.
We wanted to take this class to add to our tool belt for Corbin (and ultimately Eliza too). Although he is doing great, there are times when I, personally, feel like I could react better to his behaviors. I tend to not be as patient as I should and react too strongly or yell which doesn't help the situations. PD is the idea that we don't have to make our kids feel bad to make them do better. You are not punishing them but disciplining them and ultimately helping them gain self-control, problem solving, and self-confidence. You are loving yet firm. You use encouragement not praise, kids have "jobs" to help them be a part of the family, there are family meetings, and more. There is a sense of mutual respect for children and parents together. Kids do not rule the household but do have a say (but not full vote) in many decisions within the household.
One example that really stood out for me was, you can have the same situation with almost the same consequence just approached differently. If Corbin hits his sister, we could yell and say "you need a time out, you cannot hit your sister, say sorry. Do you understand why you can't hit her?" and then take him up stairs, tell him to be quiet and he can't come out of time out till we say. We might also continue with the mini lecture, yell, and lose our cool as he is crying and screaming, having his own melt-down. With PD you might say "we don't hit in our family". You remain calm. Say "It looks like you need some time to yourself till you are ready to be with us again." Then calmly take him to his room. Give him a hug and then leave. He can do whatever he needs to calm down. If he throws a fit, you say "would you like me to carry you upstairs or do you want to walk?" Basically you remain calm, don't yell, don't lecture (neither of you is able to really get anything while your emotions are high). You are loving but firm. These are our rules and I love you even if you decide to make poor choices. At a later time, we could discuss how things could have gone differently but it needs to be when everyone is calm and not in melt-down mode. Our culture seems to think we need punishment in order to make out kids behave. I know I have fallen into this too. It's a major shift in thinking. One major point is that you are not being a passive parent when using PD. You are saying here are our boundaries. Here is how we solve problems. Here is how we learn to have self-control. We do have to say "No" but we also have to say "yes" I love you and this is how we can make it better.
Some of the basic tools behind PD that really resonated with me were; using kindness and firmness at the same time, acknowledge the feelings but don't let bad feelings determine your choices, positive time outs for me and Corbin, avoid piggy backing -trying to solve problems when we are "hot", use limited choices but choices, family meetings, hugs when upset (or not), take care of yourself-you cannot parent when you are not feeling good yourself-, decide what we will do not make our child do.
We also looked at long range parenting goals vs. short term solutions. This was big for me because I really see how I think this worked for me and my parents. Even though it's so easy to rescue our kids, do things for them, protect and control them. I ultimately want Corbin to be independent, make good decisions, feel trusted, share and respect others ideas and feelings, feel empowered, and be creative. We are laying these foundations right now. We are setting the boundaries and yet allowing him freedom and choices within those boundaries. We are allowing him to see that he will fail sometimes, to take calculated risks, ask what and how questions, and feel good about himself. I really struggle with seeing parents who enable their children. I see the effects of this when I work with middle school students but it starts right now when they are young. I see this in parents who rescue, do too much for their kids, give them too much, over-indulge them with things and emotions, can't say no, etc. I know their intentions are well meaning but they are not teaching their kids valuable life lessons. We talked about over-indulgence not just being about giving your kids too many things but almost "loving" them too much. It was very powerful to think about.
Another piece of the class that really struck a cord for me was the difference between praise and encouragement. We think we need to praise out kids. I find myself praising Corbin all the time. "Wow, what a good job. You did great buddy! I love this. Wow, you are so smart! I am SO proud of you. You are such a good boy!" While there is time for these types of statements what they are telling our kids is that we are placing value on what they are doing/telling/showing us. The focus is on the approval of a finished product. The locus of control is external. It teach them to look for our approval instead of what they think. Long range effects are depending on others, fear of failure, and looking to "please" us. Examples of encouragement are "Wow, tell me about it. Thank you! YOU did it! How do you feel about it? I love you no matter what. I see that you____. I notice____. You are working very hard on ____" Basically being very descriptive and encouraging the effort behind their work instead of the final product. It changes the locus of control to internal. It teaches them how to think, not what to think. It fosters self-confidence, self-reliance, and self-respect. And it's so HARD! But we have really been trying to use it with Corbin. We know he is bright. We know he does a really good job at some things, we hope he will do well in life but we also want him to learn that he will need to put effort into his work/play/life not just be expected to be smart. I recently just read a great article in the National Education Association magazine about using it in the classroom. There was an exerpt from the book "Nurture Shock" which is on my to read list. It was really fascinating. Adam felt he could really use it in his classroom too.
We also learned about family meetings which we are hoping to start soon. We are just going to start with weekly appreciations for each person in the family instead of a "real" family meeting and problem solving. Corbin is also starting to have regular "jobs". His first job each day is to turn off his night light before we go down stairs. We are trying to think of another regular job for him. I am going to try to come up with some cool posters with pictures to help him see what his "jobs" are. And a poster to help him think of things to do when I cannot play with him. We are entering a whole new phase of parenting, and it's exciting!
Another point was that balance is SO important. If one person in a family is taking up too much family resource the whole family is out of wack. At times I have been feeling burnt out lately. I know that I need to get my balance back. Mom (and dad) needs time too. If the kids are taking too many emotional resources, we need to get it back so that everyone is getting something.
I also learned it's ok for me to take a positive time out. I cannot be in control and think clearly if I am not calm :-)
Wow, that was a lot. We knew a lot of it already but it was still a really great class. It was good to spend time with Adam talking about our parenting strategies. We really need to be pro-active in our parenting. We have bright kids who will keep us on our toes! It was good to spend a whole day (minus lunch for a nurse session) away from the kids. We even got to go out on a date! The kid did great. They learn we always come back and that others can take care of them too. Thanks Kevin & Meghan and Susan and Mark for coming up to help us out! Now I am going to start on the book "PD for the pre-school Years"! It's exciting!
We wanted to take this class to add to our tool belt for Corbin (and ultimately Eliza too). Although he is doing great, there are times when I, personally, feel like I could react better to his behaviors. I tend to not be as patient as I should and react too strongly or yell which doesn't help the situations. PD is the idea that we don't have to make our kids feel bad to make them do better. You are not punishing them but disciplining them and ultimately helping them gain self-control, problem solving, and self-confidence. You are loving yet firm. You use encouragement not praise, kids have "jobs" to help them be a part of the family, there are family meetings, and more. There is a sense of mutual respect for children and parents together. Kids do not rule the household but do have a say (but not full vote) in many decisions within the household.
One example that really stood out for me was, you can have the same situation with almost the same consequence just approached differently. If Corbin hits his sister, we could yell and say "you need a time out, you cannot hit your sister, say sorry. Do you understand why you can't hit her?" and then take him up stairs, tell him to be quiet and he can't come out of time out till we say. We might also continue with the mini lecture, yell, and lose our cool as he is crying and screaming, having his own melt-down. With PD you might say "we don't hit in our family". You remain calm. Say "It looks like you need some time to yourself till you are ready to be with us again." Then calmly take him to his room. Give him a hug and then leave. He can do whatever he needs to calm down. If he throws a fit, you say "would you like me to carry you upstairs or do you want to walk?" Basically you remain calm, don't yell, don't lecture (neither of you is able to really get anything while your emotions are high). You are loving but firm. These are our rules and I love you even if you decide to make poor choices. At a later time, we could discuss how things could have gone differently but it needs to be when everyone is calm and not in melt-down mode. Our culture seems to think we need punishment in order to make out kids behave. I know I have fallen into this too. It's a major shift in thinking. One major point is that you are not being a passive parent when using PD. You are saying here are our boundaries. Here is how we solve problems. Here is how we learn to have self-control. We do have to say "No" but we also have to say "yes" I love you and this is how we can make it better.
Some of the basic tools behind PD that really resonated with me were; using kindness and firmness at the same time, acknowledge the feelings but don't let bad feelings determine your choices, positive time outs for me and Corbin, avoid piggy backing -trying to solve problems when we are "hot", use limited choices but choices, family meetings, hugs when upset (or not), take care of yourself-you cannot parent when you are not feeling good yourself-, decide what we will do not make our child do.
We also looked at long range parenting goals vs. short term solutions. This was big for me because I really see how I think this worked for me and my parents. Even though it's so easy to rescue our kids, do things for them, protect and control them. I ultimately want Corbin to be independent, make good decisions, feel trusted, share and respect others ideas and feelings, feel empowered, and be creative. We are laying these foundations right now. We are setting the boundaries and yet allowing him freedom and choices within those boundaries. We are allowing him to see that he will fail sometimes, to take calculated risks, ask what and how questions, and feel good about himself. I really struggle with seeing parents who enable their children. I see the effects of this when I work with middle school students but it starts right now when they are young. I see this in parents who rescue, do too much for their kids, give them too much, over-indulge them with things and emotions, can't say no, etc. I know their intentions are well meaning but they are not teaching their kids valuable life lessons. We talked about over-indulgence not just being about giving your kids too many things but almost "loving" them too much. It was very powerful to think about.
Another piece of the class that really struck a cord for me was the difference between praise and encouragement. We think we need to praise out kids. I find myself praising Corbin all the time. "Wow, what a good job. You did great buddy! I love this. Wow, you are so smart! I am SO proud of you. You are such a good boy!" While there is time for these types of statements what they are telling our kids is that we are placing value on what they are doing/telling/showing us. The focus is on the approval of a finished product. The locus of control is external. It teach them to look for our approval instead of what they think. Long range effects are depending on others, fear of failure, and looking to "please" us. Examples of encouragement are "Wow, tell me about it. Thank you! YOU did it! How do you feel about it? I love you no matter what. I see that you____. I notice____. You are working very hard on ____" Basically being very descriptive and encouraging the effort behind their work instead of the final product. It changes the locus of control to internal. It teaches them how to think, not what to think. It fosters self-confidence, self-reliance, and self-respect. And it's so HARD! But we have really been trying to use it with Corbin. We know he is bright. We know he does a really good job at some things, we hope he will do well in life but we also want him to learn that he will need to put effort into his work/play/life not just be expected to be smart. I recently just read a great article in the National Education Association magazine about using it in the classroom. There was an exerpt from the book "Nurture Shock" which is on my to read list. It was really fascinating. Adam felt he could really use it in his classroom too.
We also learned about family meetings which we are hoping to start soon. We are just going to start with weekly appreciations for each person in the family instead of a "real" family meeting and problem solving. Corbin is also starting to have regular "jobs". His first job each day is to turn off his night light before we go down stairs. We are trying to think of another regular job for him. I am going to try to come up with some cool posters with pictures to help him see what his "jobs" are. And a poster to help him think of things to do when I cannot play with him. We are entering a whole new phase of parenting, and it's exciting!
Another point was that balance is SO important. If one person in a family is taking up too much family resource the whole family is out of wack. At times I have been feeling burnt out lately. I know that I need to get my balance back. Mom (and dad) needs time too. If the kids are taking too many emotional resources, we need to get it back so that everyone is getting something.
I also learned it's ok for me to take a positive time out. I cannot be in control and think clearly if I am not calm :-)
Wow, that was a lot. We knew a lot of it already but it was still a really great class. It was good to spend time with Adam talking about our parenting strategies. We really need to be pro-active in our parenting. We have bright kids who will keep us on our toes! It was good to spend a whole day (minus lunch for a nurse session) away from the kids. We even got to go out on a date! The kid did great. They learn we always come back and that others can take care of them too. Thanks Kevin & Meghan and Susan and Mark for coming up to help us out! Now I am going to start on the book "PD for the pre-school Years"! It's exciting!
8 comments:
Great summary, Erin! I wish we could have joined you guys too, but now I feel like I've learned some great tips. :-)
Thanks for sharing all this info, Erin! Sounds like it was a great class and there are lots of things in here that I'm hoping to try with our boys as well. Parenting can be so challenging and so rewarding at the same time. Good luck with it!
I think I have a hand-me-down copy of this book. Might be an older version. I should get it out and read it. Kate is of the age where I could use a refresher! Keith and I both read Nurture Shock. We found it to be very interesting!
Thank you so much for posting this Erin, we are having some tough discipline struggles right now. I think I will place an order for this book tonight. I really like the tour idea. Right now Audrey helps with the loading and unloading of the dishwasher, and sets the table for us, but she only does them when she wants. Do they recommend making these jobs required? And what should you do when they don't do the job? Obviously I am not going to give her the job of unloading and loading the dish washer herself, but I am curious for whatever simpler task we decide could be hers.
Sounds like a great class. I loved that book too and PD really resonated with me. It is a lot of work to keep up the PD strategies though- I feel like I fall off the bandwagon regularly when I am stressed and tired. Ollie is all about having jobs - we wants to help with everything. He puts his dirty clothes in the hamper, helps me load the washer/dryer, puts his dishes away in his drawer, and helps us make the beds by handing us the pillows, and cleans up his toys (all with some assistance of course).
Erin, thank you for taking the time to write about all of this. It is so challenging and thought provoking, even though I've read a million books along the same lines! This kind of discipline and character building takes such focus, but it actually isn't *hard*, just hard to get in the mindset. Anyway, thanks for sharing and reminding me of my own goals for Clara. One of these days I'll actually read that book!
Erin, that's awesome, thanks for posting this! I actually some of these courses as training workshops for when I was working in Bellingham as a child therapist against aabuse and neglect, so a lot of this stuff I find familiar, and am parenting the same style with Dave for Lily. It's HARD not to lose your temper, but when you have a good foundation of what you want in mind, it gets easier and easier. :) And it makes for compliant, mostly-calm little toddlers. :) It's awesome!! Good luck!!
Hi Erin. Nice seeing you all today! Meant to say I really liked this entry of yours, and it spurred us on to get out a couple of the PD books from the Library. It's a great philosophy, and a great time to think/re-think how we can do more than just survive these trying times!
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